One Year Later (For Kaiya Castillo)

*Writing has always been and continues to be the best way for me to cope*

You are beautiful.

You are soft almond-shaped eyes beautiful.

You are 84 pounds beautiful.

You are fair skin, button nose, pinch-able cheeks and pouted lips, beautiful.

You are strong, black and blue bruises beautiful.


You were 17

That made you old enough to be the youngest dancing queen

(And boy could you dance off your coccyx)

...but ABBA had other plans for you.

So yes,

I miss  you beautiful

But like butterflies always do

You flew away

Into the arms of the Heavenly Father

Who decided you would suffer no more on this imperfect earth.

I miss you.

But I do not miss the bubbling of your oxygen machine

I do not miss you being prodded and poked at

I do not miss the clicks and whirs of machines that are monitoring your heart and lungs

I'm tempted to

Because that would signify that you were still here

But how selfish would it be of me to keep you here

Knowing the quality of life would be less than what you deserved

Still at times I feel as fragile in spirit as you were in body

But your example

Your life

Taught me to persevere even when it hurts

I'm human. So I grieve.

But not with a hopeless devastation

It's with a hopeful expectation to meet you

At heaven's gate someday.

I'm human. So I grieve.

And it's because I miss that you.

You're no longer physically present here with me.

I miss you sly remarks.

I miss the wisdom you possessed that was beyond your years.

I miss your contagious laugh.

I miss your zest for life

And mashed potatoes, corn, fried chicken and theological conversations at 1 o'clock at night.

I miss the warmth of your hug,  smile of your heart, the knowing in your eyes.

I miss your "I love you Car"s

Sometimes it hurts because I miss you so much.

...One. Year.Later.

I am surprised that the world is still turning and life has go on so quickly...

I almost hate it for that.

Today was difficult but loving you is worth it.

The only thing I wish is that the whole world had the opportunity to be loved by you,

The way I was for those two years.

If they had, then maybe

People would be slow to complain

And quick to heal.

Maybe they would actually be able to bear one another's burdens

Despite their own pain.

Maybe they would smile and laugh their way through their struggles

The way you did.

And because of your example the people of this world would have always persevered.

Keep an eye on heaven's gate.

Look for me

Because I'll be where you are someday.

Mallouting (2)
Mallouting (2)