"I will go down with this ship...and I won't put my hands up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door...I'm in love and always will be." -Dido, "White Flag"
Fourteen days in to the "New Year" 2013 -
And still in a crushing season. This morning I hit another breaking point. I was like:
"God I'm done. I'm tired. I can't do this. I'm fatigued. My soul aches. White flag. Please. Let's stop. Lord settling is so much easier!!"
Pitiful right? Yea, I know.
But GOD, oh that loving, patient, GOD of mine.
Did He interrupt my tirade? No. He let me have my emotional convulsion.
Did He reprimand me? No. He spoke gently and lovingly to me.
God's compassion is truly unfathomable and overwhelming.
He loves me when I come to Him a wreck.
He calls me beautiful when all I have to offer Him is the ugly honesty of my heart.
He takes me in all of His strength and He just loves me. No one else has ever done that!
Man, God's love it brings me to tears.
His love is intimidating, I'm almost repulsed by it because it's so pure and I'm so messed up!
I want to be the kind of woman God deserves, and I fail time and time again. I wrestle with God. I struggle with Him. I beat Him in His chest and writhe in the clutches of His arms. I make the simplest tasks complicated when all it requires is faith and trust.
God deserves better than that! I'm not good enough. Exactly. I'm Not good enough, But I don't have to be. The blood of Jesus makes me worthy, I don't make me worthy. God is simply perfecting me, someone He has already deemed worthy because of the price Christ paid for me. Wow.
God is teaching me daily to love and trust Him More than anything. I'm not there yet. However, He is pleased with my honesty. Pain sends me running to God. I don't know how to handle it. Being sensitive is still very new to me. And He loves that I run to Him. And I love that He loves that. God only desires honesty, obedience, and faith from me. But sometimes from my own skewed perspective that seems like more than I am able to do. But I have to remember its not by my own human effort but by God's Holy Spirit.
I thought about moving back home again. Those closest to me, think that moving to Georgia was a bust! In their eyes, it's been a failure and the outlook for the future is bleak.
I can admit it's not what they expected or even what I expected but I know the word that God has given to me and so I must hold on to that.
So yes, I'm Not pursuing a Master's degree.
Yes, I'm Not working a typical 9-5, traditional, orthodox job with benefits.
Yes, I'm Not in an ideal or cozy financial situation.
And Yes, I'm in love with someone that I'm Not in a relationship with. For all I know the love could be unidirectional. And since the love is being initiated on my end it may in fact be unreciprocated. I could very well be in a one-sided relationship that only exists in my mind...And even if that's the case...that doesn't change a thing. I love him, still. And I always will...unless God takes that from me as I've humbly asked Him to do numerous times.
For now, those are the hard cold facts.
Pleasant?No.Hard to swallow?Indeed.Ugly?Maybe.Uncomfortable?Heck yeah!! Can I do something to change it?No, not without neglecting the Word and vision God has given me.
So what does that mean?It means staying the course even if I have to go it alone. It means moving ahead despite the challenges and lack of affirmation from those who matter most to me. It means letting God be God and following His lead and direction through obedience.
There's so much uncertainty! It's a wonder more of us are not physically paralyzed from fear and shock! But I guess mental/spiritual paralysis is just as bad as physical paralysis if not worse.
By God's love, His grace, His mercy, and His Word my resolve has been strengthened. I refuse to be stuck. I refuse to go through the motions and settle for mediocrity, no matter how easy it looks!
Though the path I'm on is narrow and difficult, it's my race to run and so I'm gonna run it. This is just another step in the direction towards my destiny, what am I supposed to turn back? Negative.
Esther said: "If I perish, I perish." Right on.
If I fail, I fail. If I look foolish, I look foolish. But I choose to believe my KING!
My current situation does not define my future. Neither does yours.
Don't Settle Pilgrims! No White Flags!